Here is a cynic’s guide to film and literary criticism.  It’s actually quite funny and often true:

Enchanting : there’s a dog in it.

Heartwarming : a dog and a child.

Heartrending : they die.

Coming-of-age story : child lives. Dog dies.

Thoughtful : tedious.

Thought-provoking : tedious and hectoring.

Haunting : set in the past.

Exotic : set abroad.

Prize-winning : set in India.

Perceptive : set in NW3.

Epic : editor cowed by writer’s reputation.

From the pen of a master : same old same old.

His/her masterpiece : Eye-watering advance

In the tradition of : shamelessly derivative.

Provocative : irritating.

Spare and taut : under-researched.

Richly detailed : over-researched.

Gripping: No characters

Fast-paced: No story

Shocking: Awful

Lyrical: Keep a dictionary handy.

Lyrical and poetic: Keep a bucket handy.

Expertly crafted: We have no idea what it’s about.